Lady Ga Ga called...

She wants her shoes back!

Image via Refinery 29

So Fugly! Kurt Geiger Baltimore peeptoe booties, £120

Let me say right off the bat: I like Kurt Geiger shoes. I may not be able to afford most of them but I can quite honestly say that I am yet to meet a Kurt Geiger shoe that I didn't like.

But I see the run of love is about to end. Because now, there are these. What are these? These are fugly arse shoes y'all. Damn, they look like they were hit by the fugly stick all the way down the production line.

Seriously, how much is going on here? Are those flames on the side? The metallic ones look like something that Nancy Dell'Oleo's (right, click to see the nightmare in detail) bad fashion nightmare might've puked up.

Speaking of old Nan, is it just me or is she looking rather good on her new image makeover. I am so glad she finally took out the hair extensions and bought herself a few skirt suits.

Back to the shoes... They are hideous and as if that wasn't bad enough, they also look cheap. To ask £120 for these in the middle of credit crunch mania... Why, it's like some sort of bad taste joke. Is it April Fools Day? No!

Kurt Geiger, please stop this. You are not just hurting me, you are hurting yourself.

Irregular Choice go matchy, matchy

Fancy wearing a virtual fruit salad on your feet? How about pink frilly shoes, decorated with teddies? Maybe floral booties? How about if you had the matching clutch bags?

If any of these are setting your world alight then, good news! Irregular Choice, purveyors of the sometimes good, sometimes bad and the frequently fugly shoe, have taken their production of quirky accessories to new heights. Observe:
Now available at Schuh. Don't all rush there at once, mmkay?

The shameful truth is that I kinda like floral booties and the fruit salad combo is starting to grow on me. With the right outfit - read, a lot of neutral - they just might work. It's like admitting to your teenage crush on Sylvester Stallone... I know, wrong, wrong, wrong!

So fugly! Alexander McQueen shoes, £422

Erm... Excuse me... there seems to be a giant growth devouring the back of your shoe...

A tulle rose, you say? Nod to floral trend? Really?

Oh... um, okay. Sorry, my mistake.

So fugly! The "It" shoe has landed

So, the It bag is dead (can I hear a Halleluya?) but just as we bury one ridiculously overpriced designer trend, like the many headed Hydra up pops another one to keep us occupied. Ladies and gents, I present to you, my top 5 worst examples of the It shoe. 

In at 5, it's the American Retro jewel strap sandals, £256. From this angle they look like giant, squatting, jewel encrusted spiders. Nice.
At 4, it's Burberry's lizard and raffia sandals. Now, I've got to say this upfront, I don't think that these are particularly ugly shoes but at £450 they are ridiculously expensive and therefore open themselves up to ridicule. And also, I don't think the lizard got a fair deal.
Our entry at 3 is the... wait for it... the ultra-modern, glazed kid (I kid you not, ho ho!) sandal from Donna Karan. Relatively cheap for £195, they have the curved lines of a 70s Sci Fi spaceship. Oh, and also, check out the two-toned heel. Fugly spaceships for your feet.


The number 2 spot goes to the ever so glam, diamante heel sandals, £595 from John Galliano at Dior. If ever a shoe shouted LOOK AT ME! it's these. Not only is the cutout heel fully encrusted in cheap ass diamante, the buckle also has a tiny charm hanging off it. If Paris Hilton were a shoe, she'd be this shoe.
And right at the top at number 1, is it a shark? is it a plane? is it the bastard child of a granite work top, a shark and a plane? No, it's the super duper, all singing, all dancing, lizard (what, another one? What have these creatures ever done to you people?) and satin sandals. Check out those wings, which remind me, for some reason, of the flying monkeys of Oz. But there's more. The heel and sole are embedded with Swarovski crystals (all the better to bling you with). And there's more. Take a look at the geometric, floating platform sole. Okay, you know what? There. Is. Too. Much. Going. On. With. This. Shoe. Maybe it's to justify the £455 price tag but... Just. No.

So fugly!? Victoria's Secret Lace up Bootie, $84

Okay guys, I need some help here. These shoes, are they fugly or just... different? I can't decide.

On the one hand, I'm thinking: A carpet, a brogue and a kilt had a wild party, drank a few too many tequilas, got into some kinky shit and then had a baby... Eww!

On the other hand, I'm thinking: I like the shape and the cute little peeptoe, love the chunky heel and the platform, and the red ones look kinda cool. They could go well with simple black skinnies and a tee.

Then, I remember that this is how I ended up with these disasters. Some nights, I still lay awake reliving the horror. *shudder*.

So, what's it to be? Fugly or Fabulous? Help me decide, before bad things happen. *cue ominous music, thunder and lightening, and the distant sound of plaintive wailing*

Crocs! What are they good for?

I hate crocs and so, apparently, do other people. Who knew?

The fugly shoes I bought in New York

This is one of my many, many shopping abroad disasters. I cannot believe that I thought they were cute. No really. Check out the pom-pom laces. Pom-pom. Laces. Y'all. And the suede fringe over the ridiculous patterned vamp and the M logo... Urgh!

I bought these in Manhattan - first mistake - for far more than they are actually worth. I wore them out that evening and nearly lost both feet to loss of circulation.

My only excuse for buying these monstrosities is that they are red and the curved heels look pretty cool but far, far too much is going on in this one shoe. I keep them at the back of the wardrobe. Every time I see them I shudder.

Let this be a cautionary tale to you; when travelling don't buy shoes unless you are really, really sure you want to keep them. Better still, just don't buy shoes.

What is up with... Irregular Choice shoes

Now don't get me wrong, I love Irregular Choice shoes. I own Irregular Choice shoes. They are stylish, they are daring. And it is maybe because they are so daring that they sometimes get it so horribly wrong that you just sit there with your mouth open, while your hair slowly turns white with the shock.

Take this Paola scarf tie sandal. I mean, really, what is this? This, my friends, is not a shoe. This, is a half finished shoe, wrapped in rags. Oh, and here's the the good bit: these monsters retail at £49.99. REALLY. Available now at Schuh, if you are at all interested.