Guess what folks?! It's VALENTINE'S day soon. Got that? VALENTINE'S!!! Do you like what I've done there with the shouty caps, and the exclamation marks? Do ya? Do ya?? Welcome to my world, where I have been receiving emails and press releases plugging various bits of cheap, red/pink tat, since December. And now it's time for me to spread the love.
So hey, what have we here? Red foldable ballet pumps, you say? Floral jewelry? Red roses? Red lingerie? Why, how imaginative of you. How has no one ever thought of this before... Okay I can't keep up the pretense any longer. Dear world and his wife, I get it! Soon it will be Valentine's day. A day, apparently, of giving random red and pink things to the ones you love.
Some of the more random things, I've received?
Well step right up folks and observe the amazing red rose panties! Yes, you heard me. It's a pair of red knickers cleverly disguised as a rose. Perfect for simultaneously conveying your undying love while sneakily eliciting the possibility of a gratitude-shag. Lovely.
For the enviromentally conscious lover, why not give the gift that just keeps on giving? Light, that is. The one you love wants... An Ionic Bulb. Oh yes they do. Because who can deny the innate sexiness of 75% energy savings and a patented air purifying microchip? How do I love thee, let me count the dander...
Better still, why not "free your hands up for romance" with The Racktrap. This lovely Valentine's limited edition pouchette fit's snugly in your bra, so you you can put in all those pesky things that would usually go in a clutch like keys or loose change. Giving a whole new meaning to the phrase "shake your money maker."
You know what you could really, really do with this valentine's? What would really just make all your love come down? Pink Spanx. There. I said it. Pink. Spanx. You're welcome.
Seriously, though, you know who could use some love right about now? Haiti. Throw a fundraiser, sell some Valentine's hearts, do a bake sale, then give generously. Spread the real love. HERE. Thank you.
10 hours ago